is it because I remind you of him

is that where the responses and explanations and accusations to things i never said and rarely think come from? Projections onto me of a person who never listened to you, in hopes that maybe through my ears that look so like his, he will finally hear you and who you really are. In hopes that someone will recognize you for the woman you are, not a role-playing mother or grandmother or coworker, but a full person with dreams and hopes and ideas and ideals. Longing for recognition but following your cultural sensibilities in denying the wish, so as to deny the disappointment.

You have your memories; I have mine. I know the truth, but my heart cannot believe my brain and indict him. My heart is wrapped in his love and always will be. I'm sorry that I grew up like this but that's just it; you weren't there to fill up that space in my jello-mold child-heart.

begin a good person

I meant to type "being," but begin came out and seems more fitting. When will I be satisfied? Most days, the majority of days, almost every day I am satisfied and happy with my life. But some days feel off. These days feel off. Everything feels... off. This isn't where I want to be; this isn't what my life should look like. I want to be a good person. By that I don't mean good for society, good for other people, good for the world. I mean I want to be a better me, I want to be as good as I can be, I want to push myself and I want to struggle to feel alive. I want to be better; I always want to be better. I can be better. I can be stronger, faster, smarter, more efficient. I can also be more emotionally attuned to myself and others, more considerate, less selfish, more giving. But really, what's more important to me is to be more engaged, more respectful, more respected. I can be and I want to be more.